There are piles of laundry to be done. The floors look more like the base of a mud hut than the cherry wood that’s hiding under the grunge. My toddler’s breakfast, abandoned as we rushed out the door to the day’s adventures, still sits on her little table, growing crustier by the minute. The bathrooms need cleaned. The recycling cupboard is stuffed and needs sorting. There’s also a workload piling up for all the online stuff that needs done in order to fulfill my commitments and pull in the small bits of money that make up the majority of my income these days.
There’s so much to do.
But today, it will wait. Right now, in this moment, I need to take a moment. Today, I write.
I’ve put off so much of what’s been burning through my brain. The experiences. The support. The expressions I so badly want to put out into the universe. I’ve been trying to focus on rounding out the whole picture of this crazy other world of blogging. There really is so much more that goes into this industry than anyone would ever guess from the outside. In order to have your words read, you need to put in the time to promote what you write.
This is hard for me because it’s the writing that’s what I love. It’s the writing that works as a sort of therapy for myself. I need to put the pieces of my head together into words, to grasp at the fireflies blinking around aimlessly in my brain and weave them into some form of congruent thought (I hope) that I can read over and see what’s really going on in there. I need to share my stories. I want to create something out of them that makes someone else feel – feel seen, feel beautiful, feel loved, feel comfort, feel inspired, feel acknowledged, feel happiness and wonder and that there is so much good in the world to balance out the sorrow.
You see, nothing stays the same. This is true for everyone and everything – change is the only constant – but I feel that it’s especially true for me.
I’ve always had a hard time figuring out who I am. What I want. What I want to wear and do and be and go and how I want the world to see me. How I want to see myself. My mind is always flipping gears. No matter what the topic is, no matter how true I feel my thoughts are about something in one moment, I can always twist my perceptions to see the other side and question every conclusion. One minute I’ve got it all worked out, and everything is flowing along. I feel happy and content with the version of me I have found, my place in life, what I’m doing and the mindset that occupies my headspace. Then it all changes.
The tide goes in and out. The waves of my life are so strong and so constant. I know these ups and downs are normal for the sea of life, but I can’t help being shaken by the waves. I’m seasick from uncertainty.
I know that being able to see things from different views is a valuable skill in life. I want to continue to find the pros and the cons and the ever present differences in each situation, but sometimes I wish I were more obstinate. Sometimes I wish I could say or think something and have it be true for me for the rest of time. I see people who I admire, who are so strong in their opinions and their direction in life and think “Why is this so hard for me?”
Do you know what you want? Do you know who you are?
I’ve been searching for… well… ever. I’m beginning to realize that maybe I’m chasing the impossible. How can I expect to find a single, finite definition for myself, when even every single atom in our world is never entirely defined? As steady as certain things are, something I learned in my career as a Chemistry student (another wishy washy decision in my life that I still can’t let go of) is that there is an exception to every rule. Nothing is entirely true all of the time. No matter how much you think you can rely on something to be exactly as it “should” be, one day it’s bound to surprise you.
I will never truly find out “who I am” because, just like everything else, I am always changing. I cannot expect myself to be finite in definition, because we are all evolving. The me I was ten years ago is not the me I am now, and it never will be again. The waves of change and all of the debris that the currents drift into our lives are too constant to let me settle for too long. Which isn’t a bad thing. Who wants to get rusty and stagnant?
So today I’m riding the waves, and focusing on where I am now. There is time later to chart the course to my next destination, wherever I decide that will be, but right now I will accept who I am and how I am in this moment. I will let go of the doubts and fears I have for every word I’ve ever written or said and every action I’ve ever taken (or didn’t), and focus on nurturing the person I am now. Those who accept me for who I am, ever have been, and ever will be – the good and the awful – I am so thankful for. And those who don’t? I’m thankful for you, too. While you may not make me feel as amazing and satisfied as I wish I could be in every moment, you remind me that I’m not finished. That none of us are.
We’re all adrift in different vessels, riding different currents, and destined for different shores. We’re all riding the waves.