Life can be hard. As we grow and somewhere along the line become the “adults” we so thought we wanted to be, we may find ourselves wishing we could go back to the good old days of childhood. There play was our most important job, and the responsibilities we had then seem a lot easier than the often overwhelming obligations of being a grown up.
We will never be able to go back to being children (although some of us cling on much stronger to enjoying our own version of childhood), but we can learn to be responsible, successful, and happy adults.
Just because we can legally vote, or our bodies have matured enough to procreate offspring, doesn’t necessarily mean that we are fully-grown adults. One can never be finished growing, learning and maturing. Unfortunately, sometimes we can sabotage ourselves by getting caught up in destructive patterns. These patterns may be causing a hold-up in how we grow and enrich our lives in this constant journey of betterment.
Here are some of the things that I try to be aware of in my life, that might be sabotaging growth, as well as our own and others perception of how effective we are at being mature individuals. I chose to state these 10 things as positives, since saying what to do rather than what not to do is always more effective.
1. Accept advice with grace – In most everything you do in life, there will be people offering advice on it. Sometimes the advice will be asked for, and other times it may be pushed upon you forcefully. Even if an old lady at the coffee shop barges in on your space, and tells you that you shouldn’t be feeding your baby vegetables, because babies don’t like vegetables and what you should be doing is feeding them french fries, make your best effort to respond to given advice and opinions gracefully, with a smile on your face. Just because someone has something to offer that you don’t agree with or want to hear, doesn’t mean you have to take the advice.
All opinions are valuable, and the best decisions and choices are made when many different sides to a case are pointed out. A simple “Thank you for your ideas!” is a positive way of acknowledging the caring and effort another person has put in to share what they feel is good advice. Then you can go ahead and focus on making your own choices as an adult.
2. Recognize that you don’t know everything – I don’t care if you’re a high school drop-out or a neurosurgeon, you can never know everything there is to know about everything. I may have lots of ideas and experiences I share with others about raising children and other bits, but I know there are far, far more things that I don’t know than what I do know. Even then, what I do know is specific to my perception of my own personal situation.
It’s hard to understand sometimes that you’re missing important pieces of information about something, since you don’t know what you don’t know you don’t know. Are you with me there?
What I mean is that you can’t have the foresight to know that you’re missing a valuable piece of whatever it is you think you know, if you don’t already know it exists. For example, if you don’t know that it was common years ago (until it was banned in the 70s in the US) to paint toys with lead paint, you wouldn’t know to ask what year the pony your little one likes to play on at Gramma’s house was made, to make sure you’re not exposing your little one to heavy toxins. It’s really hard to know what questions to ask or how to prepare for something, when you don’t know what options there are to be aware of.
Keep an open mind and open ears to those willing to share what they know with you, and keep in mind that there’s always more to find out. Better to be informed and decide for yourself what’s important, than be in trouble because you went blindly through life.
3. Offer help and support – If a friend (or heck, even a stranger) needs a hand with something, and you have the know-how, skill, time, tools or influence to contribute, OFFER IT. Lend your time and effort to others and you will create a positive, helpful community of support and friendship, with people who will be there for you when your time comes that you need a bit of a boost yourself. If you are always taking and never giving, people will start to recognize you for what you are and build a circle of mutual support that does not include you. If their needs aren’t worth your time, why should your needs be worth theirs?
4. Be the instigator of connection – If you complain that “you don’t have any friends” or that so-and-so never calls or visits, you need to stop. It’s YOUR responsibility to build the strong connections and bonds in your life with the people you care about, no one else’s.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself that “no one cares” about you, pick up the bloody phone and give your friends and family a call. You be the one to go visit them, or to make arrangements for a lunch date or go for a walk.
If you put the time and effort into building the relationships you want, you will have them.
If you are putting a real effort in, and still the people you call friends are keeping their distance, perhaps they are on a different life path, or maybe they just aren’t worth your time. If it seems to be everyone is avoiding you, you might want to refer to the first 3 points again, specifically #3. You know the saying “It’s not you, it’s me”? Sometimes it is you.
Are you doing your part to be a good friend?
5. Spend time with uplifting people – Do you always feel judged, belittled, put-down or just plain crappy when you hang out with certain people? Don’t let others constantly bring you down, and don’t support their negative habits of downer-ism. Spend your energies and your time with people that uplift you and make you feel good, and remove yourself from relationships that make you feel low and unappreciated when you’re around those people.
Life gets so much better when you remove the negative and focus on the positive.
6. Focus on YOUR journey – It’s all too easy to get caught up in what other people are doing. I know I’ve spent too much time in the past scrolling through my feeds to see what other people are doing, and being too interested in seeing and judging what they were doing, comparing it to my own life. This is destructive in so many ways.
Your life is yours, no one else’s, and what others are doing or not doing has nothing to do with your own journey. Neither does what anyone else thinks of you and your life. When you put your effort into being the best you you can be, without making silly comparisons to others and getting more involved in their business than your own, your life can really get the space to blossom.
7. Watch what you say – Be aware that what you put out into the world with your words and actions you can’t take back. Your contributions may be taken more notice of than you think, and can (and do) snowball to become more than the “innocent” remarks you thought they were at first. Try to contribute positively to a better world than negatively to create drama, hard-feelings, and unfortunate consequences.
Especially important to remember is that our world today is very connected. Especially in the online world of Facebook and social media, nothing remains “between friends”. You may be talking to Bob, who lives in the Yukon about how Susy-Q has secret desire to leave her husband and marry a cyborg, and think it’s fairly safe, but little do you know that Susy-Q’s sister plays tennis with Bob’s uncle, who relays this information, destroys a marriage as well as multiple friendships.
If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
8. Accept responsibility and own up to your mistakes – A lot of life is trial and error. We can’t do everything perfect all the time… or any of the time, even. Striving for perfection actually holds us back a lot of the time. Recognize that you are human, we all make mistakes, and how we handle our mistakes is what makes us better people.
If you were wrong about an argument or debate, say so. If you said something you shouldn’t have that hurt someone’s feelings, apologize and ask forgiveness. If you broke something, own up to it and offer to help repair it or pay for it.
Being honest and accepting responsibility will make feel good about yourself, and will build trust and respect with others.
9. Just do it – There are lots of obligations and responsibilities in adult life. You can avoid, complain and procrastinate all you want, but remember that you are now an adult, and your active or inactive approach to getting things done will yield your own consequences. No one else is going to pick up your slack.
Do your dishes. Cook your meals. Wash your laundry. File your taxes. Pay your bills. “I just don’t have the time.” Well, if you really need or want to get something done, you’ll have to put in the effort to make it happen. Turn off the TV, sign off the computer, put down your phone, say no to going out for the umpteenth time this week, and find the time. Ask for help if you need it, too. (*New parents – you get some slack because adjusting to your crazy new life of parenthood takes time. Don’t be afraid to ask for that help to get the necessities done, though!)
Time doesn’t swing itself to meet your needs and offer an extra hour when you want it, you have to pencil it in and say “I’m going to do this at (such and such) a time”. Right now is always the best time, unless you really cannot make it happen at the moment. In that case, pick a time and commit to getting it done.
You’re a grown up now, so put on your big girl/boy boots and get to work meeting your obligations.
10. Look at the long-term – Every choice in life has consequences. Some are positive consequences, and others are clearly negative. As an adult, the consequences of your choices often hold a lot more weight than when you were a minor.
Don’t cut corners. Follow the law, or at least look into what the consequences of going against what’s expected and legal are. Then you can make an informed decision about whether it’s worth your risk to make that choice. Is what you want to do to satisfy the short term (ie. running an illegal business to make some money) worth the long term consequences if things don’t go the way you hope they will? Once you realize what you have to lose – maybe your job, your money from being sued or fined, your freedom, your children, or even your life – that short term benefit of a few more dollars in the bank (or whatever it is) might not be worth the risk.
Always be thinking about the “what ifs”, fully researching every possible outcome, and weighing for yourself if you are okay with the worst happening.
Did I miss something? I’m sure there’s something I don’t know because I don’t know I don’t know it. What other ways might we be sabotaging ourselves? Comment to share your thoughts, and please share this to help spread awareness of what others might need to hear.