Do We Need To Be Spanking Children?

Recently this article has been all over my news feed, explaining the potential changes to the law around corporal punishment. In the current law, there are some specific cases in which it’s considered acceptable to punish children physically. If this new rule goes through, the law will be changed to simply state that children should not be hit or otherwise punished physically.

I know this is a touchy subject. For a long time it was considered good parenting practice to smack your children around when they were misbehaving, with the reasoning being that it would wizen them up. They won’t think about doing that again!

Then we started doing research, and thinking critically about spanking children. Where is the motivation for this “discipline” coming from? Why does it seem to work? What’s actually going on? Is it acceptable? It turns out it might not be the most effective solution for our parenting responsibilities.

Raising a child to be a responsible, respectful and thoughtful human being takes a lot of effort, and a lot of mental work to keep considering “what’s best – how can I teach them what is appropriate and expected?” Each specific and completely unique situation calls for unique and specific guidance. There is no easy way out, no simple one-size-fits-all approach to teach a child everything there is to know about how to act appropriately in our world. This makes providing guidance for a child challenging, yes, but tell me – what part of raising children is easy besides loving them?

The urge to hit comes from that fight or flight response to stress, which I’m sure all of us parents know all too well. The number of times I get the urge to yell, hit and chuck things on a daily basis is high, and on par for the course of parenting challenges. It’s really hard to take control of my emotions and my raging Scorpio temper to calm the funk down enough to make a difficult moment into a positive experience where we both learn how to behave in responsible and respectful ways.

Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean we’re done learning and growing.

It’s up to parents to teach their children that hurting someone else (be it mentally or physically) is never okay. It’s a parent’s job to teach their child how to take control of their emotions, and how to solve problems in a collected and effective way. I don’t feel spanking offers that learning (and the research I saw in my ECE courses agrees). 

Now, I’m not here to say “You’re doing it wrong!” When it comes to parenting, we all make our own choices based on what’s best for us and our families, and the amount of stressors and responsibilities that we have to deal with every day. It’s a tough job, and likely the hardest point of your life. I’m certainly not the parent I thought I would be before I had a baby. However, I think the world could certainly benefit from more children who learn to do what’s appropriate, respectful, responsible and thoughtful because it’s the most positive thing to do, rather than to simply avoid being caught by authority figures. That’s why I want to share some positive parenting strategies with you today.

5 Guidance Alternatives to Spanking Children

• Natural and logical consequences – “The most meaningful consequences, positive or negative, flow from the natural or social order of the real world, not from the power or control of adults” (Coloroso 1995; Dreikurs, 1964; Gonzales-Mena, 2002). Let natural consequences (becoming hungry because they didn’t eat at lunch, feeling cold because they didn’t put on a coat) lead the way. When consequences won’t happen naturally, use logical consequences that directly relate to the misbehaviour to help the child learn that what he does has an effect on his life and others, and to take responsibility for what he does. For instance, if Sally pours her yogurt onto the floor intentionally, it makes more sense for her consequence to be to clean up the yogurt than to have to sit in a corner. You can read more on natural and logical consequences, time out, and time away here.

• Positive reinforcement – Another piece of natural and logical consequences, “positive reinforcement is a consequence” (Kaiser & Rasminsky, 2007). Take notice of your child when they are behaving in a way you like to see, and let them know you’re seeing them. Children respond to attention, and often seek it out, so giving them the attention – even a simple smile and a thumbs up – when they are behaving appropriately can have some major effects on what they do to find that attention in the future.

• Pay attention to the when and the why – Is there something going on in that little head that is making them act out in negative ways? By changing the environment, watching the time, keeping energy and spirits up with food when needed, and keeping an eye out for factors behind the scenes (Is your child anxious about something? Do they have the right knowledge and skills to do what’s expected? Have they just consumed an entire chocolate bar and have a physiological response to the sugar and caffeine going on?) a lot of mistaken behaviour can be understood more clearly, prepared for and prevented.

• Be present – As I mentioned before, children crave attention instinctively so they can have the opportunity to interact with a guiding force to learn and grow. If you’re always on your phone or cleaning the kitchen or busy with work, your children are going to have to try some more sure-fire ways to get your attention, like climbing to dance on top of the counter, or spilling their drinks over the floor. If it gets your goat, be assured they will do it to turn your attention from what you’re doing and back on to them. Try to be aware of where your time and attention is spent, and make sure that your children are getting what they need so that when it is time to get some things done, they can respect your needs, too, and know they don’t have to fight for your time.

• Diffuse situations with kindness and humour – This is something I started practicing more fully after reading a fantastic book on positive parenting experiences. It’s amazing how well it works to approach a tense situation (a toddler about to tantrum, anxiety and disappointment over a broken egg) with some positive redirection for that energy. Responding to a potentially exhausting and frustrating situation of emotions with a smile, a silly face, a humorous voice or a funny take on things can be very useful in bringing things down a notch so that they can be handled in a more effective and positive way, with more opportunities for learning (high emotional stress does not make for an ideal learning situation).

If you’re ever stuck in a situation you just don’t know how to handle, please feel free to contact me! This has been my specialty – problem solving for solutions to challenging behaviour – in much of the ECE work I’ve done in the past. If you need some guidance yourself, or simply want someone to listen and brainstorm with about how to respond when Johnny does X, please don’t hesitate to contact me. We’re all in this together!

Do you have a helpful tip or supportive story to share with parents about positive guidance strategies? I would love, love, love to hear it, and I’m sure the other parents who visit this site would, too. Please comment in the form below, or share on our FB page. And don’t forget to sign up here for a weekly newsletter to let you know what’s new on the The Big To-Do List.

*Photo Credit: Billie Woods Photography*