I Don’t Want That Cup of Tea

I realized something odd last night while I was pushing away my toddler’s eager little hands as she was trying to drown feed me water. As I was staving off her efforts of hydration, I noticed that it made me feel guilty to say “No thank you, I don’t want that.” Using “No thank you” is a common enough phrase I use to politely tell my toddler no (I am a Canadian, after all), but it was the “I don’t want that” that made me feel like I was saying something cruel and hurtful to my little one.

Why is that? Shouldn’t if be okay to turn down something I don’t really want when someone offers?

This made me think of this video that’s been circulating, of an explanation of “consent” using tea as a comparison to sex. The basic point of the animation is that, if you offer someone a cup of tea, if they don’t want it, or change their mind, or fall unconscious, you don’t pour a cup of tea down their throat.

We polite Canadians as a culture tend to be so polite and cringes at the thought of hurting someone else’s feelings (maybe this isn’t everyone’s reason for our characteristic politeness, but it is mine). I really notice this when I travel to other cultures where it’s just not custom to say “excuse me” or “sorry” at every little brush of a coat sleeve. You can generally pick out the other Canadians quickly out of the crowd when we let others trample over us, still apologizing ourselves the whole time.

So with all we teach our children about being polite and verbally accepting responsibility for the bumps and tramples we receive from others (no matter what is really going on inside our heads), what message are we passing on to our children? What message are we interpreting ourselves?

It’s not that I think we should stop treating eachother with courtesy and grace, but we (and by we I mean me) should feel confident in saying “No, I’m good, thanks” without feeling like we’ve done someone a disservice.

Whether I like it or not, it seems my little Z will eventually grow up to be a young woman. When that time comes (hopefully in the very distant future), I want her to know that, yes, no one should “force you to drink tea”, but also that you should always be honest to how you’re really feeling inside.

Even if the other person would be thrilled to make you a cup of tea, can’t wait to boil that kettle and steep some sweet, sweet bergamot, it’s okay to say no. If you don’t want what someone is offering or asking, or you just aren’t sure if you do, be honest. Be fair to yourself. What you want (or don’t) matters just as much as what the next person wants, and you shouldn’t feel bad for standing up for yourself.

So, no thank you, Z. When I don’t want your water, or those half-chewed crackers you’ve been gumming, I’m going to say no, and stick to it. Maybe I’ll even start to not feel guilty about turning your least desirable offers down. If I can’t respect what I want for myself, how can you learn to respect what you want?