Dear Z,
Before you were born I had intended on keeping up a well-documented journal of your young life in the form of a baby book. Now, I’m looking back at the whirlwind that is these last 20 months and realizing that the baby book is somewhat lacking in notes. Sure, there are bits and pieces of your life here on this blog, and a pretty decent visual log-book of our adventures on my Instagram account, but as for a detailed story of your life, of who and how you are in the world as you’re growing, there isn’t too much.
I’d like to change this.
Starting now, little one, I’m going to try to make an effort to check in at least once a month and try to put into words how you’re growing and how I’m getting to know you. I want to document what excites you, what you’re trying, and all your funny little quirks. Instead of trying desperately to shape you into the person I want you to be, I’d rather try to figure out who you are and help this little being to blossom into the truest, most vibrant version of yourself you can be. After writing this piece where I expressed my frustrations with this phase we’re going through, I found that devoting more of myself to just simply being there for you and enjoying your company on your terms, I was reminded of just how awesome you are.
So let’s get started.
I’m not exactly sure where to start. There is no way I could sum up how you’ve grown in the last 20 months, so I guess I’ll just give you some key points, focussing on where you are now in your journey.
In the last month your language has exploded. You went from saying maybe ten words (which included “hockey” and “beer” – yes, you are your father’s child), to quickly using more than 50 when I counted over a week ago. You’re picking them up so fast.
How many new words do you learn in a day? 5? 10? 25? It really is astounding. Soon we’ll be able to understand and communicate with each other much more easily, and hopefully that will help to ease the frustrations I see in you – in both of us – when I’m just not picking up on what you’re desperately trying to say.
As of yesterday, I have gone from “Mama” to “Mommy”. I much prefer this to “Hannah”, which you’ve recently figured out is my name and have been trying out, too.
When it comes to eating, you’re really not that into it. Sure, you have your favourites that you’ll usually gobble down, but one can only eat so many blueberries and goldfish crackers in a day. At least at the most recent doctor appointment you’ve gained enough weight to put you back up onto your original growth curve.
When it comes to using your body, that’s another area I see you making leaps and bounds in. You’ve been walking since your first birthday (technically a week before), running for months, climbing up and down stairs (and everything else), and can navigate hills and inclines up and down. You still haven’t perfected your jumping, but since your buddy came over on Friday, you’ve been practicing as much as you can, jumping off any object you can climb up on – chairs, the ottoman, the couch, and (your favourite) off your little bed. Yea, my stomach is pretty knotted from the anxiety, but what’s new? You’ve always been good at keeping me on my toes.
Speaking of bed, we’ve moved you to your toddler bed just over a month ago. This was a big deal for me, and really made me realize how quickly time is passing us by, and how big you’re getting. I found it really hard to actually take apart the crib. It seemed to signify the end of an era.
I’m glad that we did make the change, though. Even if you’re not sleeping in there the whole night through (yet… YET… It’ll happen, right?), you seem to like your own little bed and how you can climb in at bedtime and out to find us when you wake up in the night. It also makes my acrobatic routine a little bit easier.
You’re such a great helper, and I love how you want to be involved in whatever is going on. Your desire for independence is fierce, and while it does lead to some struggles when I need to help you, I admire your determination. I’m also always surprised at what you’re capable of doing yourself.
You’ve been using a spoon to feed yourself for many months, and you do a pretty good job. You wash your hands, often ask to and use the toilet to do your business (we’ve even been trying out wearing undies instead of diapers sometimes now), help me sweep and scrub the house, and clean up your toys (although right now dumping is a bit more exciting). You love to water the garden, and anything that looks like it could be garbage is quickly carted to the bin to be thrown out. And just today I was amazed that you can (for the most part) put on your pants all by yourself.
Watching you be social with other children, I’ve been moved by your sweet nature. Long before you were one you showed empathy to others when they were hurt, and now your sensitivity is almost overwhelming at times. You’re easily upset by raised voices and instantly burst into tears when someone might be angry, sad or hurt. Whenever we say goodbye, you want to hug everyone goodbye, even if it’s a cashier at the store, a stranger at a party, and even an inanimate object like a trike or a river. I’m sorry, but you just can’t hug a river goodbye.
While you’re going through a bit of a phase where you’re learning about ownership and possession, making you scream “no!” if another child even looks at what you have like they might be interested, I still see you sharing and trading like a champ. While it’s not the same as before this phase, when every second sentence out of my mouth was “No, sweetie, they don’t want that (insert usually half-eaten and hairy floor-dropped food here)”, I’m happy to see you’re still interested in offering what you have to others.
Your favourite things to do right now definitely include playing with playdough, sticking stickers, drawing, building castles with blocks and sand, bath time, and anything outside. And, of course, spending time with your friends. I love when you ask for your friends using both word and sign.
When it comes to a sense of humour, you are pure comedic gold. I’m fairly certain you’ll be a bit of class clown once you get to school. You seem to love making people smile and laugh, and even just looking at your “I’m so funny” smile – nose in complete crinkle, making your eyes squint, while your toothy grin stretches wide, straight across your face – sends me into laughter. Sometimes I have a very hard time trying to keep a neutral look on my face when you’re being “funny” in a way that isn’t appropriate, yet I can’t help but stifle a giggle because – really – it is funny in a way. But you don’t need to know that.
So, while this post may not be very helpful or insightful for many others, and it won’t be shared and featured and have a chance to spread, it’s so important to me. This is for you, little girl, and for me as your Mommy. This post, and those that will follow this thread, will serve as a placeholder in our time together, where you are the flower, and I am the gardener. Where you are the hero, and I am the narrator. Where you are so many things, and I am the facilitator in your journey.
I can’t wait to see how you grow over this next month. What will you learn? How will you change? How will you make my heart smile even more?
I love you, little bug. Forever and always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.